Diary of a terrible chess player


At exactly the 13th minute of the first episode of The Queen’s Gambit, I realized that chess was my true calling. I remembered what Barbie and countless motivational influencers had taught me – “You can be anything you want to be” – and I decided to take a long journey to be the greatest gamer in the world. chess on Earth.

Something like this happened.

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Day 1

I opened my laptop and searched for tutorials, excited to stare intensely at a black and whiteboard for long periods of time. In my heart, I knew that with a little dedication, I would win many championships and have my own chess anime in no time. Four hours later I had learned to say cool chess stuff like queen to b3 and turn to a7.

“What do you think is the best move in this position?” asked the game guide.

“Moving the bishop is obviously the best decision,” I thought to myself. “Duh.”

It wasn’t the best shot in this position.

Day 4

Everyone probably thinks I’m a genius – because chess is a mind game, and I always tell people that I’ve been playing chess a lot lately, even though I only think about playing and don’t really do. I even add a bit of chess lingo every now and then to make sure their respect for me skyrockets.

Day 7

Everyone is annoyed by my references to chess. I should have known better than explaining the 1985 Karpov vs Kasparov game to the food delivery guy. Fortunately, I found some friends to talk to about chess and started a group chat.

I sent them a meme with a cool pun that I made to impress them. “CHECK this, MATES. »No answers yet.

Day 10

In the middle of a game with one of my new chess friends, I racked my brains for the best possible move – and I got it. I was very proud of myself. Alas, it was not my turn. But that’s okay, I ended up winning.

Day 14

I have lost twenty games in a row. There seem to be a billion fancy-named chess opening strategies and it’s getting really tough. Caro-Kann Fantasy Variation, Sicilian Pterodactyl Defense, Queen Nimzowitsch Pawn Defense, Boom Boom Defense Super Mega Falcon Punch Defense Variation. I invented the latter.

The people who come up with this are sadists, and I think mom may have intentionally let me win four days ago.

Day 17

I scoffed at a computer chess robot for beating me, knowing full well he couldn’t hear me. At night, I vigorously jotted down my frustrations about my chess career in the Notes app.

Day 21

I hit a new low. My 10 year old cousin destroy me in a match today. They say everyone is good at something, and I seem to be good at chess. Tears roll down my face as I burn all the award speeches I had written ahead of time. I finally understand what Green Day was talking about in “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”.

There’s a reason I’m going public with my story. Chess is a truly fascinating sport despite its challenge, and I hope this inspired you to explore it. Not in a way that I follow in my footsteps, but in a way, please, please pick-up-the-failures-at-least, you’ll never be as bad as I am.

Maliha Momtaz Oishi is very fond of crying emoji, conspiracy theories, and your mom’s jokes. Send some of them to him at [email protected]


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